A month and a half ago (what the…?) I wrote about being a “bad” blogger, because I write in this space so inconsistently. Thanks to Stephanie, Lisa, Sarah, and Karen for joining my club – I know I’m not alone in feeling pressure to write, even when I have nothing to say. And somehow, that makes me feel like less of a bad blogger. So thanks, ladies.

A bunch of time has passed since that post. And my blog has stayed quiet. Not because I didn’t have things to so. If you chat with me on Twitter you know that isn’t true. I’ve been writing all along, for paid projects and to try and finish this book I started too many years ago to admit. I really (really) want to finish this book. And it wants to be finished. It just won’t leave me alone. I dream of character developments; I craft chapter opening paragraphs while I run; I jot down ideas at the grocery store; I have written the last chapter. I know how this book ends. And I want to finish it.

I’m up to 45,000 words and 31 chapters. I’m aiming for 60,000 words, and then it’s going through a massive edit. I had no idea how hard it would be to keep details straight when I started. I do have a character flow chart, and a chapter outline synopsis, but this book has morphed and the characters have done and said things I didn’t expect. This is a kind of writing I’ve never done before. It’s all consuming, exhausting, exhilarating. And I can’t wait to finish. So I can start my next one.

Yes, there is a new novel in the works. Because I realize I love the long format. I love developing a character over 200+ pages, and over a few years. So I have a new idea, a few chapters, and a synopsis. I just need to finish the first one I started before I take the next step.

In the meantime I’ll continue writing for work, too. Because I love to write, and because that’s what pays the bills. But something has to give. So blogging it is (because I still need/want to be mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter…)

It’s as simple as that.

See you when the hiatus ends. Whenever that may be.

(Or over on Twitter)

A friend recently told me I’m a “bad blogger”, because I so rarely post. But that got me thinking. Is it consistency that makes you a “good” blogger? I really don’t think it is. After all, there are plenty of bloggers who post content that is so-so, just because they feel they need to get something up. Of course, I realize my view that consistency does not necessarily equal good blogging is convenient, seeing as the last post I entered was the end of August…

The thing is, sometimes I get sick of my own voice. I’m tired of my own opinions. Of the words I choose to write. And sometimes I simply have nothing to say. Or I have lots to say on a topic that isn’t related to the lotto list. So when I get to that place, I step back from my personal writing. But my lotto list has been part of me for a long time, and it’s never far from my consciousness. So even though I haven’t been posting, I’ve been doing.

Here’s a small update, on that note:

Since August I have crossed off both #44 (Check out a human library book) and #45 (Become a human library book – I’ll talk about this more in a later post!). I also just crossed off #48 (Be published in a national magazine), when I wrote a feature length article for Canadian Family.

Maybe I am a bad blogger. Whatever. I’m getting sh*t done. And I’m happy about it. Which is the point, after all.

I have tried to meditate. More than once. But the moment I sit still and allow the crushing silence to wash over me, well, I hear screaming in my head. Is that bizarre? Maybe. But for me, there is such a thing as “too quiet.”

Regardless it’s still on my list. A friend recently started Deepak Chopra’s 21-day Meditation Challenge , and I *considered* it briefly. Maybe in 2012. I’ll set my sights on putting a check mark beside #15 next year. For now, I just don’t need to hear any more screaming over and above what comes out of my three-year-old’s mouth on a daily basis.

But it started me thinking about how I do focus and clear my mind. Because despite the inability to handle quiet well, I can focus when I need to. I was on a run recently and I realized for me, exercise, and in particular running, is my meditation. It’s when my mind is at its quietest, and most productive. And the faster and further I run, the better focused I feel. I have written posts like this one for my daughter, chapters of my book, emails, articles, letters, notes of thanks and condolence, and sorted out decisions previously weighing me down while on runs. All done while arms and legs pump, with music playing in my ears and plenty of sights to keep the visual element occupied.

My husband thinks I have a mild form of Attention Deficit Disorder. He may be right. After all, I write best with other stimuli around me – like the TV, or the sights and sounds of a busy Starbucks. Who knows why, but that’s what works best for me.

I recently guest blogged over at A Little Bit Of Momsense – all about healthy eating and the importance of fitness (and running) in my life. So maybe I have learned to meditate…but for me it isn’t a quiet, eye-closed experience, but rather a heart-pounding, sweaty, all pistons firing kind of thing.

Either way, I still think I’ll work on the peaceful type of meditation, just to see if I can quiet that screaming with, well, quiet.